So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
