the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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