Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
