I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
