Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
