you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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