i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
