I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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