but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
