I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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