Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
