filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
