if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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