girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
