If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
