the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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