I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
