I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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