Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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