Come see our sink grown plant.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
