Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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