I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
