my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
