"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
