I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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