Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have fence marks all over my body
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
