My underwear smells like fireworks.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i out mim tonsoeep
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