Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
