he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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