Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
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That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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