I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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