I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
