im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
