you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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