Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Porn is love you can see.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
