I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
