I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
