Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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