you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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