The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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