dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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