I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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