I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
