my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it