Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.