So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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