I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
