Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
