he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
