he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
