Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
