I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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