her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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