hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
