I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
