the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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