Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
